During my encounters with people many asked me towrite of my dialogues with Krishnamurti, even knowing I would be retrievingthem only from my memory since only a few had been recorded. So it was that Istarted to think of writing some of my memories down.
Nevertheless, some other friends felt that it wasunnecessary to write my memories since Krishnamurti had done such a beautifulwork of exposition of life and truth for mankind with his own books, videos andaudiotapes.
I hope that anyone who reads "My Dialogueswith Krishnamurti" feels the need to read Krishnamurti himself.
I have almost stopped reading, and if I do it isonly to read "Krishnamurti Journals" or "Commentaries OnLiving" by Krishnamurti and "Collected Works of Krishnamurti"(17 volumes Kendall-Hunt) (1933-1967).
Political contradiction in Argentina wasalways high. It came to one of its highest points, though, by the end of August1972.
During this time a group of leftist, guerrilla menand women were killed while in jail at Trelew-Argentina, and I was horrified tohear that one of them had been a friend of the family.
I started to get phone calls prompting me to takesides in the armed struggle: "If you are not for the left you are for theright", a man's voice had told me on the phone before he hung-up while Iwas taking care of a recently born baby in Villada, Argentina,Aug. 23rd 1972.
The following day I went to Buenos Aires to get a visa to the U.S.A. (1972).
If man looses respect for life we are all at riskfrom each other. Man becomes his own executioner.
Only after two years I got a temporary visa toenter the U.S.A.Every Argentinian was suspicious then.
I stopped over in Puerto Rico.There was a man there I wanted to meet: Enrique Biascoechea.
I did meet him. He was dying. He had been a friendof Krishnamurti since age nine.
He wrote a letter to Krishnamurti telling him thatI had left behind my parents, two baby sons, possessions, friends, profession,comfort, and status in order to travel to meet with him. That was in June 1974.Enrique died in Nov 1974.
After reaching the U.S. I soon found myself working 16hours a day as a resident physician in Pennsylvania.I needed a dictionary to dictate my notes. Of the other eight hours of the dayI spent four in the basement to study medicine in English to revalidate mylicense. I slept three or four hours a day and ate only once a day, takingcoffee in the morning and again at lunchtime simply to keep myself awake.
Sometimes I wondered how my body could bear somuch abuse!
I got letters from Argentina: "Misery. My familyand my friends kept disappearing".
I had given up hope to meet Krishnamurti when Igot a letter from Mrs. Zimbalist, dated Jan. 5th 1975 in Ojai, California telling me I had a personalinterview with Krishnamurti on march 23rd at 4 P.M. at the Huntington Hotel inSan Francisco, California.
Krishnamurti came after five minutes. I stood upfrom the armchair to shake his hand. He looked smaller than I expected him tobe. He wore an old blue jacket. He sat in front of me with nothing in betweenthe two chairs. Mrs. Zimbalist left silently.
Krishnamurti: (Laughing) You can do more than thatDr...
Ruben: My name is Ruben Ernesto Feldman-Gonzalez.
Ruben：我的名字叫Ruben Ernesto Feldman-Gonzalez
Krishnamurti: That's confusing, may I call you Dr.Gonzalez?
Ruben: Of course, but my real name is Anger.
Krishnamurti: (touching my left knee) Ah! I'm gladyou don't wear a mask like so many that come to me pretending to be saints.
Ruben: I'm far from that. I feel a completerepugnance for the so-called political situation of Argentina, my country of birth, andeven for the way my profession is practiced. I'm a pediatric surgeon. I hadstarted to study psychiatry (July 1974) in Pennsylvania to see why the world has goneso crazy. Nevertheless I'm not impressed, the approach to treatment inpsychiatry is conventional... standardized. I'll leave psychiatry too. I don'tknow what I will do.
Krishnamurti: You have to meet Dr. David Bohm in London. Let's go theresoon.
Ruben: I wish I could, perhaps if I get a loan.
Krishnamurti: No! Don't ask for a loan. You'llmeet him soon anyway.
Ruben: I need to make changes. I have no peace.Friends have disappeared in Argentina.Everything seems so chaotic and corrupt....
Krishnamurti: (smiling) You need exercise(Krishnamurti touched my belly with the tip of his left index finger).
Ruben: I work 16 hours a day and then I have tosit to study for four hours a day before I go to sleep. All this to renew mymedical license in the USA.
Krishnamurti: That's an excuse. Take care ofyourself. You need exercise. You look like a bull.
Ruben: Sometimes I feel that I need to share my understandingwith people around the world. What do you say to that?
Krishnamurti: You speak.
A very long silence followed. I had expected himto tell me to "stay put" and spend the rest of my life in silentmeditation. With very few words he was the perfect mirror for my owncontradictions to emerge and be clearly seen.
He insisted: The Foundation in Puerto Rico has no head. I hope you will take it (he grabbed my leftknee).
Ruben: Krishnaji, when I was with Biascoecheaeverything seemed so easy. Now I see I don't have the peace of mind, the rightskills nor the freedom (the sons and two parents to feed) to dedicate myselfsensibly to such an important and difficult task. It is certainly no picnic.
Krishnamurti: That has been going on all the timeand not only with them. The Fourth Path is a path of violence which reinforcesthe ego and the wish to control life and its course. Do not touch it. The firstinsight is to drop everything non-essential for the total liberation ofmankind.
Ruben: Now that you mention the non-essential....Why did you allow the biography of yours written by Lutyens to be published?It's gossipy and superficial, and it may not be right selling "At the Feetof the Master" ... with your name on it.
Ruben: How would you recommend your books to beread, and in what order?
Krishnamurti: Do not read them like a novel. Readslowly as if your life was in every word and every sentence. Start with thelast one and then if there is an interest go backwards through the first one.
He stood up and said. "Excuse me Dr.Gonzalez, I'll prepare some tea for you".
At the kitchen in the big suite he whisperedsomething with Mrs. Zimbalist who was sitting there.
He came back with a cup of tea. He said: "Teaof roses for you".
I sipped it, but I didn't like it. I left it onthe little table beside us.
Ruben: Can we talk about meditation?
Krishnamurti: Is there anything else?
Ruben: Well, the very word meditation is used bygurus of all kinds to make money, sell silly books, techniques, pillows,crystals, mantras, and incense.
Krishnamurti: I have been using the word for 50years. I can't change it now. People will have to see I use the word with adifferent meaning. I do not use the word meditation with its traditionalmeaning!
Ruben: What about using the expression"Unitary Perception" instead.
Krishnamurti: You use it.
(Krishnamurti said he would not use the wordmeditation anymore during his last talk in England in 1985, ten years later.)
Krishnamurti: Why not live very simply? Call itmeditation or Unitary Perception. Self protection and self aggrandizementthrough money making and success have to end in order to live simply. To livesimply is to live intelligently, without an observer in observation. If youbelieve you have to go back to Argentinato be loyal to some concept of yours you are not simple. If you are angry youare not simple. If you are full of sorrow you can't love anyone. Can you bespontaneous and simply act with not too much planning?
Ruben: You are not saying I have to remain aloneand live in poverty and silence.
Krishnamurti: Would that be simple? Would you beescaping from life? The consummation of truth is not to be successful orwealthy... but do you want complete truth? Look for success or money and you'llfind frustration. Look for truth and you'll receive total peace of mind andjoy. Will you be one of the few? Or will you continue being one of the manyworshippers of money and success?
After a long silence, he said: "Dr. Gonzalez,your tea must be cold already, finish it!"
I didn't have the courage to say no and I did finish it silently.
He said: "Let's meet tomorrow at eight A.M.
Krishnamurti went with me to the door, opened itfor me and smiled lovingly saying: "Good bye".
I said: What noun should be applied to what youteach-- "message", "gospel",..., or what?
我说：你讲授的东西应该用什么名词表示 – “讯息”，“福音”… 还是什么？
Krishnamurti said: Call it "theteachings". Let's meet tomorrow at eight A.M., right here.
I spend the rest of the afternoon by myself in myroom, which I had rented at the same hotel where Krishnamurti was staying. Ifelt like a Condor for the rest of the day. I met Krishnamurti by chance in thelobby that evening. I walked with him for awhile.
I saw a couple of very beautiful girls.
I said: "God, how beautiful they are".
He said: "Only well fed".
I said: "Krishnaji, I felt like a Condor thewhole afternoon, full of peace and joy and love. I think it's because I spentsome time with you."